SANTA'S NEW CONTRACT

To all the children in America, I regret to inform you that
effective immediately I will no longer be able to serve the
Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract
was re-negotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209.

I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois,
Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract,
I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain your children will be in good hands with
your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal
of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, however,
there are a few differences between us.

Difference such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace.
And Bubba does not smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff through,
so please have an empty spit cup handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flying coon dogs
instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of
my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, On Donner and Blitzen..."
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead you'll hear, "On Earnhardt,
on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett,
on Elliott and Petty".

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words
"Back off". The last I heard it also had other decorations on the
sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that
race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me
[Santa Claus] peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street"
and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and
"Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus
and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. There will
also be replays of the some of the best of Holiday Nascar racing.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you I'd make sure you,
the wife and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like
"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Big Crosby's "Santa Claus is
Coming to Town". This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played
on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles
will be Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and
"Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus [member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209]

Have a Happy Traditional Religious Holiday Observation of Your Choice,

Yenster